World, I will never understand you

I want to actually write on this thing, but I sort of forgot how to blog I think. God has been teaching me a lot recently, but it's in sort of a way that I don't really understand what it is He's teaching me until after something happens. I just feel sort of disheveled and don't really know what's going on in life. Reality doesn't seem real. As strange as this sounds it's not a bad thing. God feels distant. I know He's not. The Gospel doesn't seem real. I know it is. I want to pray for revival until I run out of breath even though I have yet to see any results. I know He is working on something. He always has tricks up His sleeves, good tricks. I'm building better friendships with friends I've known a while. I'm spending more time with married people and their kids. I find myself wanting to spend more time with grown-ups. I crave alone time, which used to never happen. I have some, ok one, friendship that feels like it will always be complicated and never resolved, but that's not really a bad thing either. It's sort of exciting. Makes life interesting. I've spent my whole life relying on people to do things for me. God has been teaching me that there are some things I have to do on my own, on my own meaning with His help but not depending on humans. I have to put all my trust and hope in Him. I have to listen to what He is saying to me and believe that it is true. I can't turn to others first. I need to turn to Jesus. I'm learning this stuff in a way I can't really explain, but life just feels sort of different and kind of zany/wacky/quirky/interesting. My job is crazy. It is not what I would want to do. I don't want to do customer service anymore, but I can see that God is moving there even though everyone I've met there seems like they are very far off. They aren't. Noone really is. Use me, God, even in this place that still feels like limbo and doesn't make sense. You give me joy anyway. That is awesome. You are awesome! Amen.

Transitions

My roommate and best friend is getting married in 3 days. It's so crazy but so good. I feel like that with a combination of other things has made me stuck in this transition phase for a while. I'm not getting married right now, not even close, but I feel like life is going to look different. This is going to be a new season, a pretty crazy awesome one, but one that looks really different.

Our house is a disaster; I mean there is wedding stuff and regular stuff everywhere plus two new people are going to be moving in any day now. I feel like after Laura is gone and I can adjust to living life with new people life will be normal, but what the heck is normal anyway? It took me a while to adjust to the fact that my relationship with my best friend will be different. Her husband will now be her best friend and person she shares everything with. I have had to do this many times, lose a friend to marriage. Don't get me wrong it is amazing and beautiful, and I am so happy for her, but it's always sort of weird for me. I am here needing a new best friend, get one, and then it eventually has to change. We are growing up. People will get hitched. It is a beautiful picture of how Christ loves His church.

But then I am sort of like what the heck am I doing now? This time it's different. This time I feel more prepared. I am so joyful right now. God has been teaching me things and growing me in areas really quickly. God is really the only thing in life that makes sense to me, and I'm ok with that. I don't have to understand everything. I don't have to understand what is coming next. I probably shouldn't because then I won't learn in the same way. I like the unexpected. I'm ok with it now. I just am so eager for what God has next. I am ready and willing to do anything for Him. It's hard, though, to not get hung up on the fact that I still don't have a job and am literally about to run out of money. He told me to stay in Cincy this year so I have to trust that He didn't lead me back here to not take care of me. I fully trust Him. I know transitions are weird and I can always wait and hope that sometime I will feel settled, but should we ever completely feel comfortable and settled? Earth is not our home, it's a foreign place and I never want to slip into complacency and comfort. I want to be ready for anything. I want to praise God in the midst of suffering. I don't deserve this life at all so who am I to complain about anything?

Wow, for some reason I am just so excited for whatever is happening and will be happening in the near future. I have no idea what that is, but I know God will lead me and shape me and provide for me in exactly the way He has planned. He knows the desires of my heart. He knows I want to serve Him in full abandonment, and I don't think He takes those kinds of commitments lightly. This following Jesus thing has gotten me in pretty deep, and I can't contain the joy He gives me! Bring it!

God is Good!

So pretty much the Lord is amazing. He is the reason I am alive, and He is what I want to live for. I have gotten to the point in my faith where I'm starting to understand fully submitting everything, absolutely everything for God's will. That means trading my desires, my wants, if that is what He asks me, if that is what is best. He has also been speaking to me about writing and that He likes it when I write so I am starting this little thing up as a way to do that. I don't really know where to start, but I am learning to fully abandon everything for God and that's pretty much what this whole thing will be about and maybe add a few funny stories. I am so pumped about what He is doing. There is so much to tell so I will leave it at that for now and figure out how to articulate everything separately when it isn't 2 in the morning. By the way, I love riding my bike late at night. I am 25 years old, and I'm pretty sure I enjoy rides around my neighborhood more than when I was a kid. I had a ride tonight with a friend on the handlebars at 1:30 am on the way home from an amazing soak session. Basically you turn on music, lay on the floor with the lights off, and just rest in the Lord. My friends and I did that tonight. It was much needed and it helped me a lot with some of the weird emotions I was feeling. Wow, God gives us exactly what we need. Why the heck does He love us so much?!